TW: Misogyny, r*pe culture, emotional abuse
When you’ve grown up in a narcissistic family, you know what it’s like to be the victim of psychological warfare. Attacks like harsh criticism, shaming, or indirect insults can be thrown at you out of nowhere at any time, and for no apparent reason. Between those attacks you might either be favoured or completely ignored, or both in turns. It’s like living in a terrorist regime – you never know when the next attack is going to happen, but you know that it will happen, and that it won’t stop happening.
Of course, by being born into this and being brainwashed into the belief of living in a “normal” family, you’ll only sense subconsciously what’s going on. And even as an adult only a few people ever come to realise that they’ve been emotionally abused and neglected. It’s not like society is going out of its way to make sure that everyone knows how to recognise emotional abuse/neglect.
However, if you do realise it and get out of it – everything changes. It’s like taking off glasses that you’ve been wearing all your life and through which you saw the world in a very distorted way. At some point during trauma recovery you start to recognise how you’ve been systematically used and tortured to supply the narcissistic feed. At first it seems like a crazy conspiracy theory and you wonder whether you’re insane or paranoid. But as you continue to recover, you slowly start to see that it really was that bad. That your parents (and maybe also your siblings or other relatives) really were that cruel. That you really lived in a system that intentionally manipulated and abused you.
And if you’re a woman, then this means that you live in two such systems.
Misogyny is the abusive system of the “outer family” of society. Just as with a family’s abuse, you need to come out of the brainwash and gaslighting before you can be aware of this. But if you do, then you will notice that girls and women are being emotionally attacked everywhere, for no apparent reason – and you never know when it’s going to happen. Just like in your family.
The other day I went into a small bookshop in a small Scottish country town. Walking through it and looking at the shelves, one book suddenly stood out, because it was placed centre-stage in front of the other books, its cover facing the shop. There were several birds on it and the title read: “Tits, Boobies, And Loons – And Other Bird Names By People Who Clearly Hate Birds”. The two o’s in the word “boobies” weren’t written as letters, but depicted by the eyes of said bird, staring at the viewer. “No,” I thought. “This isn’t really about birds. It’s about people who clearly hate women.”
I could give you countless more examples like this. Just a couple of days before this, I was searching for some practical information on the internet and ended up in a forum where someone asked just what I was wondering. The man who replied had an icon that showed the symbol of the London underground, but instead of “Mind The Gap” it had “Mind The Twat” written on it.
These two examples aren’t about women’s bodies by coincidence.
That’s what’s being targeted most of the time when it comes to attacking women. I’ve been traumatised as a little child by being made to watch “adult” (read: abusive) films in which sexual objectification and graphic violence were the norm. And ever since I was an older child I wondered what is wrong with boys and men. Why are they so angry? Why do they hate girls and women so much?
Now, as an adult who has become aware of the system of misogyny and toxic masculinity that we live in, I still don’t know if anyone can give a satisfactory answer as to where all of this comes from. Toxic masculinity and misogyny seem to have been part of all historical cultures as far back as you can go (I’m an archaeologist, so I know ancient cultures well). What’s clear is that the shaming of women’s bodies is a kind of psychological warfare that’s been around for ages. Of course it’s all about power – just as in a narcissistic family. The person or group in power need to make others feel inferior in order to stay in power.
And it’s not a coincidence that the methods of the patriarchy are exactly the same as those of a narcissistic parent. Because toxic masculinity is the narcissist of all narcissists. Toxic masculinity dictates that all males need to appear superior to everybody else at all times, no matter the cost. It’s all about the exterior facade, to not lose social face.
One important thing I learned about narcissists is that they project onto others what they cannot tolerate feeling about themselves.
In other words, the reason why they are constantly shaming other people is because they are eaten up by shame themselves. The reason why they need to put everybody down is because they are deeply insecure themselves. However, a narcissist never learns to introspect. They are literally unable to look inward and reflect about themselves or hold their own emotions. This is because they are developmentally arrested (due to extreme emotional neglect). Usually the emotional development of their brain is stuck at ages 2 or 3. As such, all emotions are completely suppressed and dissociated from (because they can’t be dealt with), and therefore everything bleeds outward all of the time. They basically spread shame like a virus.
Considering this alongside the fact that toxic masculinity teaches the same thing to boys – namely to suppress all of their emotions (except anger) and to have to appear superior at all times – I have no doubt that the root cause of these random attacks by individuals against women is also deep insecurity and shame.
Narcissists are very apt at learning which groups of people are already being oppressed in our society. In order to make themselves popular they usually make jokes about either absent people or oppressed social groups. They know that they will gain favour by being cruel and politically incorrect – all under the excuse of “I’m just kidding”, of course. This tells you what’s wrong with our society. Why there are narcissists in all of the leading positions. Because in a compassionate, humane society narcissists could never get their supply. They would be ostracised for their anti-social behaviour.
Similarly, boys learn from an early age that females are being disrespected everywhere and that everyone’s okay with that.
As they grow older they even learn that it is expected of them to treat women as inferiors. This is how you earn points in the Boys Club. And of course the Boys Club rules the world. And so we have arrived back at the examples of random attacks against women that I gave earlier. The men who commit these attacks have made the experience that lashing out against women is a way to increase their social status.
And obviously the feelings or reactions of women to this don’t fall into account. Firstly, they never learnt much or anything about empathy at all (being empathetic is for women, of course – something that makes you weak), and secondly: why should they care about those who have no power, those who are objectified and inferior? Only the reactions of their peers matter to them, because they are important and decide who can stay in the Boys Club.
I’d hope by now everyone who read this would be furious and disgusted at our society, though sadly I know just how high the walls are that most people have built to protect themselves from ugly truths. Nevertheless, if you’ve followed my argument, you might ask – why are these attacks so often about women’s bodies? What about that?
The simple answer is that a woman is outwardly defined by her body. In our society it’s someone’s biological sex that decides what gender they are seen as, regardless of the fact that this might not be the actual gender of a person. As we learned, it’s all about appearances.
For some reason a person’s body seems to be the base for discrimination in a lot of cases. It can be their sex, but it can also be their skin colour. Or a physical disability. Or all of their body, as is the case for non-human animals. Generally, it’s about being different from a norm. And the norm in the western world is: human, cis-male, white, heterosexual, and able (and preferably wealthy).
People who have been emotionally neglected/abused as children tend to feel uncomfortable about other people being different.
I have my own experience as evidence for this and I’ve observed this and continue to observe this in others. It comes from an inner sense of insecurity and the fact that they never were accepted for being who they are by their primary caregivers. How could they give that acceptance to others?
In the same way, within the system of toxic masculinity, boys are abused first and then learn to abuse others. Misogynous men feel uncomfortable about women’s bodies. They are the “unknown other”. They also feel uncomfortable about their own bodies and how their bodies react to feeling attracted to a woman. All of this because they never had a loving, close relationship with their parents that would have taught them “I’m okay. Other people are okay.”
As young children they are either shamed for showing emotions or their emotions get ignored (which sends the same message of: “This is not okay.” and therefore creates shame). Parallel to this we see that within the system of misogyny women are being attacked for supposedly being too emotional. Can you see the pattern? A boy who learns that emotions are shameful and bad will be unable to tolerate them within himself and in others. If others show emotions, then he will react to that just like his parents reacted to his emotions – with scorn and disgust, or by ignoring them.
How a child is treated by their primary caregivers creates their blue-print for treating themselves and others. So you can be sure that every macho out there has been emotionally neglected and maybe also directly emotionally abused by his parents. This is just one of the many clear signs of how common child abuse is in our society.
And while a boy raised by macho standards (or simply by the lack of equal, loving standards) will learn that any form of vulnerability is bad, he will also learn that other things are good and exclusive to males. For example, he will learn that anger is the only emotion that he is allowed to express. Even more, that this emotion and aggressive behaviour is expected of him.
In this case, females are NOT expected to show this emotion. It is part of the male privilege. Women expressing anger will be ridiculed and portrayed as “crazy”. And here a misogynous man would not mirror how he has been treated by his parents, but rather how his parents and other adults treated his sister or female cousin; how his female peers have been treated in nursery or in school; and how they are treated in the media.
Putting the above examples together, we see that women can’t win.
They are “bad”, no matter how they behave. If they don’t behave as society expects them to and teaches them – by expressing anger, for example – they get shamed and abused. But even if they do behave as society expects them – by being empathetic and emotional, for example – they still get shamed and abused. Because emotions are a weakness, of course.
I’d like to return to the parallel of the narcissistic family at this point. Because the above dilemma of “you can’t win” in which females find themselves in, is a classic form of psychological torture that will be familiar to emotionally abused children. Especially those who have been cast in the dysfunctional family role of the Scapegoat.
The Scapegoat exists to be blamed and shamed.
They are the dumping ground for all of the narcissist’s intolerable emotions and for the frustrations of everybody else in the family. They are the punching bag who needs to be punched, so that the abusive system can uphold itself and continue to live in its illusion of a “normal” family.
Women (and other oppressed groups) are the Scapegoats of patriarchal society (and just one of the Scapegoats in kyriarchal society). None of those random attacks against them are actually about them. It’s about a man feeling insecure and socially anxious. Or about a man wanting to climb the social ladder. Or just a man who’s had a bad day. In any case, women are the designated punching bags. Punching them not only serves to make an insecure male feel powerful, but additionally aids him in gaining social status. It’s a double win for men.
What’s noteworthy though, is that women aren’t always in the Scapegoat role. Men need them for other uses after all. They also need them to be the Enablers, of course – the patient and admiring daughters and wives, who take care of everything beneath the notice of a patriarch (like children or cleaning), and tolerate and defend his abusive behaviour.
They’re also in a role similar to that of the Golden Child if they please patriarchy. Usually this means exhibiting their body (in western society) and always looking attractive to the male gaze. If, like me, you’ve ever wondered why there are so many women who seem to sexually objectify themselves, then here is an answer to that.
They learn that exhibiting their bodies and posing like a sexy temptress makes them popular.
All children learn what the “ideal” is for females (this fictional narrative of swapping gender roles really brings it home) through Disney princesses, Bratz and Barbie dolls, and other sexually objectified toys, characters, and celebrities. Of course, this is a particularly sinister brainwash. Because the favour and popularity gained in this way is based on the females being objectified, without them being aware of this. They are degrading themselves, humiliating their own bodies, and thereby signalling to others that this is okay to do – all the while only trying to be what they learned is expected of them as a child and what will bring them acceptance. But just like in the abusive family, they can’t ever get acceptance of their true selves, never any true love.
And finally, women also get cast as Lost Children in the patriarchy, of course. This has been their standard role when it comes to public life for most of history. Just like the children of abusive parents, they were expected to be seen – not heard! They were confined to the house, meaning that the men could easily forget about them whenever it pleased them. The wide world was an exclusive Boys Club playground. If you look at the history of women’s rights, you will see that every single time that women achieved another admission – to voting, to university, to careers – men reacted like angry 2-year-olds who have been forced to share their treat.
As an example, take a look at the photo below, described aptly as “A sea of male undergraduates protesting at a vote to allow women to gain degrees at Cambridge in 1897”.
Source: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-49595057 (accessed March 30 2022)
That’s what happens when women demand to be heard and actually do get heard. An outbreak of narcissistic rage on a national scale.
Women being invisible and voiceless is part of the male privilege.
It ensures that only men’s interests and needs will be met, because women don’t even get to voice theirs.
The existence of “men’s rights” activism and indignant reactions of “Not all men…!” are prime examples for this definitely not just being a thing of the past. Pointing out misogyny and demanding equality is still being met with tantrums. But unlike real, physical 2-year-olds, men are at the top of social power. And so they do anything within that scope of power to try and keep women small, to continue to psychologically torture them, to bombard them with attacks of shaming.
Having awareness comes at a price. It creates great affliction, especially when you know that the majority of people are not aware and that sharing said awareness is dangerous.It gives you what I like to call the “Alice in Wonderland Syndrome” – being the only sane person in a group of insane people, who treat you like you’re insane. All oppressed groups know this feeling. All abused children know this. It’s more commonly known as gaslighting. The sad thing is that they mostly only know this subconsciously. And that even within activist groups that try to change society, intersectionality is not the norm. Women in vegan activist groups are still the victims of misogyny and sexual harassment, for example, despite the fact that 70-80% of vegan activists are female!
Leaving an abusive family is terribly frightening, painful, and difficult for many reasons. But leaving an abusive world to live somewhere else is not even theoretically possible. As such, it’s incredibly important that people who have awareness about the multiply abusive system they live in, don’t feel alone. I hope my posts can contribute to this and I’ve added links to three intersectional feminist blogs below, so readers can experience, like me, that there are others “who get it”.
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